Freshman at life

The electoral victory of the president-elect, General Muhammadu Buhari was still very rife in town, Okada riders defied federal government orders not to drive into town by speed biking through the city, displaying different death-defying stunts and leaving a lot of skid marks in their trail. Hamz jumped excitedly beside me at the back seat of Mom's toyota venza,hailing the men who sped past,he wound down his side glasses,snuck his head out and cheered at them, screaming "SAI BABA....SAI BUHARI" and they in turn cheered back in acknowledgment

I nodded sadly,burying my head into reading my Mom's latest edition of vogue magazine I had found left in the car's back seat whilst Karl who was behind the wheels smiled and shook his head rather sadly,asking Hamz to stop acting like an uncivilized human being,

"I understand why the majority of the nation's citizens  are excited over his victory and I am too but seriously? Are these all necessary?"


I sighed,lifting my head from my magazine as I chipped in,telling Karl how many people had gotten themselves injured or maimed from extreme jubilations,

"Even the General himself has called for people to celebrate with caution. The other day,at the apc secretariat,Mom was telling me she read online that,out of ecstatic jubilations,some hausa men scaled the walls of the office to jump into the premises and got different parts of their bodies slit by the barbed wires and they did not even flinch...it's beyond me"

I said with a shrug while a beaming Hamz who overheard what we were saying,brought his head back into the car and tried to justify the much show of enthusiasm for General Buhari,

"We all love the General and isn't it worth celebrating and is his victory not worth raising dust over? Since he was announced as the winner of the election,harmattan came back,naira appreciated,there is general peace and tranquility in the land amongst many other positives his victory has brought upon the nation,this is the real breath of fresh air brothers!"

Karl and I nodded in agreement with a smile,

"Am not asking no one not to celebrate,am just concerned for their safety and that of other road users,I just pray no one bumps their bike on this ride or all hell would let loose"

Karl said,we all laughed and just as Karl navigated the car past the curve from mabuchi towards nicon junction,onwards towards berger,my phone started ringing,it was Mom,she wanted to know if I was with my atm card,

"I want to send QT to the bank now to pay in some extra money for u to get more groceries"

She said,I asked why and she said we would be having a guest who was flying in from port harcourt,

"My cousin's son is visiting abuja for the first time and I just want us to be prepared"

She explained,my mouth quite agape in surprise,I asked which of her cousins in port harcourt and she explained in detail about Aunt Idayat,her maternal cousin who lives and works in port harcourt with a son had suggested her son come to spend a few days with us and get to change environment for a bit and Mom had agreed,I nodded and told her I was with my atm card.

After our day of shopping,we got back home and Mom physically joined me in the food preparation for dinner whilst my brothers cleaned and tidied up the house before our guest arrives.

By around 3pm that afternoon,Mom,together with Karl and myself climbed into the car and drove to the airport to pick her second cousin whose name is Kabir,since we haven't seen him before except through his baby photos we have at home,Mom had to come along to identify him. While on the way,she gave us some information about the guy,his perceived personality based on the mannerisms and attitudes of his parents amongst others and how he is my age mate as he was born a week after I was born,this went on spliced with some banter till we got to the airport and arrived just in time as his 4pm arrival flight landed on the tarmac and taxied to a halt,

Cladded in an oversized sweats and tracksuit trousers which isn't exactly a proper airplane attire especially since it is a local flight and the weather blazing hot,a tall,dark and a bit chubby Kabir waltzed slouchly towards us as Karl tried to stifle a giggle which instantly infected me as I also tried to laugh but smacked on my lips to dispel it. He got towards us as Mom excitedly pulled him to her and hugged him,he sucked irritatingly at his lips,his whitish saliva smeared all over his plump lips as he held his fist out at Karl to engage in a fistbump, Karl looked quite unsure how to react,his pupils dilated in a quick flash and hesitatingly held out his fist and both guys bumped then he did same with me and it looked totally awkward since I rarely do that and my tiny and chocolate complexioned fist contrasted significantly with his fat and dark gavel-like fist.

We boarded our car and on our way home,Kabir scoffed and rolled his eyes about how overrated abuja was,

"So, this is the federal capital that everyone keeps gloating about,see,see,see"

He said,pointing at the trees that lined the boulevard on your way from the airport,Mom and I shared glances,he continued,

"This is useless,this shouldn't be our capital,so with all the billions nigeria generates from port harcourt oil,all they could do is sweep the road and plant flowers and trees? This is truly an unfinished capital,this is bullshit"

I instantly felt irked by his comments and felt the urge to clap back and defend Nigerians for this insult on our beloved capital,lol,I spit,

"So abuja is bullshit? Is your rumuokoro, eleme, oloibiri, rumuomansi any better? With all their ugly names and ugly people and no beautiful landscape except places close to the government house"

Mom couldn't help but burst into gales of giggles and asked me to stop as Kabir's angry eyes swiveled towards me,he went ahead to say there was nothing special about abuja as it is a civil servant capital and the nation's money came from port harcourt and also that the night life there,he is sure is more bustling than in abuja,

"Abuja is pure crap"

He ended,Karl who was driving turned back to face us and told Kabir if he was not sure about coming to abuja or that it was crap,he shouldn't have come all the way"

Mom raised her hand and asked us all to zip it as all states and places had their own unique features.

We got home and Mom said Kabir was going to stay in my room for the duration of his stay,I gave Mom the raised brow of incredulity,she dismissed my signs and asked him to take his luggage in and have his shower and come downstairs to have his meal,the moment he shut the door,I turned to Mom,

"How could you ask that nitwit to stay in my room knowing fully well that Karl and I share that room? Why can't he stay with Hamz and QT,their room is bigger"

I spewed,Mom waited for me to calm down as Hamz and QT looked on puzzled,wondering what was wrong,she then said she chose my room as it Is cleaner and more organised and she couldn't allow him stay with Hamz and QT because their room gets disorganised almost immediately as it is organised,

"You don't want us to present a bad impression to him and have lots of terrible things to tell his mom about us now do you? Eh?"

I shrugged as QT cuts in,

"Wait..why is Maj agitated over Kabir staying in his room and why is he calling the dude a nitwit?"

Mom and Karl smiled as she explained to QT our argument on the way and how unreasonable Kabir sounded,QT hissed and just at that moment,Kabir appeared behind us in the dining area,swathed in my big towel,my face cringed up in utter shock and totally short of words,he said he met a sliver of soap left in the bathroom and was quite pissed because from what his mom told him,he was going to be spoilt and more so,he does not use medicated soap as it makes him itch and so Mom should help get him a bar soap instead.

For a few seconds,we all couldn't utter a word,even QT and Hamz looked him from head to toe in disbelief,Mom was the first to recover from the shock,she cleared her throat and with a smile plastered across her cheeks,asked Kabir in a sweet manner if he usually spoke to his mother in that manner,

"Oh my mom is an urbane mom who believes in treating kids as her equals and communicating as adults,did I do something wrong?"

He cockly uttered,we all shared glances and I slyly asked him to go and drop my towel,he turned and left like nothing happened,I turned back to face Mom and with her hand stroking her chest,a sign for me to calm down.

By evening,after dinner and whilst watching the network news,QT started a conversation on politics and why he thinks the gubernatorial election in rivers was rigged,Kabir snickered and in a disparaging response asked why people were so crazy over apc and why we were we deluded into thinking apc would bring the desired change,

"You people are just a bunch of lowly thinking worms who needs to be salted to death...si.."

Shocked to death,I interjected,

"Hey hold up punk! Who the fuck are lowly thinking worms? Look here you hobgoblin, if the screws of your mouth are so loose that you vomit vitriol incessantly at your people,don't bring it here,what rubbish, Mom,please say something"

I snapped,facing Mom for her to say something,my brothers all looking in shock and before Mom could say anything,Kabir did the unthinkable,he stamped his fist on the table angrily and left the table,stomping off to my room....my fucking room,my nostrils flaming in rage.

By bedtime everyone had gone on to bed and I stayed back hoping to give our august visitor enough time to sleep off as I do not want us to clash,Karl had gone to sleep already,volunteering to sleep on the rug. I watched MTV base for hours till almost a quarter past midnight when I thought I had given him enough time to sleep off,so I turned off the telly and went upstairs to my room and lo and behold...

....Kabir was indeed fast asleep but covered up in my duvet,I took a few deep breaths to keep calm and quietly climbed the bed gently pulled some duvet to myself and covered up and slept off.

I must have slept for about 30 minutes when I felt someone punching me so hard,It felt as though I was dreaming but it felt so real I woke up and to my chagrin,it was real and continuous, Kabir was punching my back real hard demanding to know how I could have the nerve to uncover the duvet from him and share with him,I felt a cocktail of emotions,amusement,rage,shock and utter disbelief,I turned to face him and his ugly face swollen and puffy with sleep,I raised my hand to deal him a stinging and blinding slap but my mind was processing brain not to act so rash but my hand was already mid-motion and all I could quickly do was pull at his plump,irritating lips and twist it,he yelped in pain and pushed me,asking if I wanted to kill him,

This woke Karl up who couldn't believe his eyes with what was going on just as I was thinking this was all a bad dream,Karl stood up and asked us what was wrong,he was the first to speak,

"Your evil minded brother here who obviously detest me uncovered the duvet from my body,exposing me to mosquitoes,so I calmly woke him up to tell him to release the duvet for me and next thing I knew,he pulled at my lips so wickedly I thought they would fall off"

His face contoured in grief,I looked on, stupefied,if Karl hadn't seen what he did and I had a notorious behavior,anyone  would have believed Kabir,Karl nodded in disbelief and told him no wonder his mom wanted him away for a few days,

"It's obvious you are so sick and you need help,lying so well with your face perfectly displaying sad emotions like Maj almost killed you,ah! You are totally nuts"

Karl spits,Kabir's face squeezed into frown,looking at Karl as though he should kill him,threw the duvet aside and hurriedly putting on his flipflops,stomped out of the room muttering some inaudible stuffs to himself,Karl and I looked at each other in shock,Karl decided to go downstairs to check on Kabir and he came back quickly to call me and went I went to check,Kabir had helped himself to a plate of stew with fried fish head and took sliced bread from the fridge and relaxed on the couch eating and watching MTV base,I couldn't take it anymore,I barged into Mom's room and woke her up to come and see what Kabir was up to.

We went downstairs and Mom was horrified on how daring he was to think he can act as he pleases in someone's house,Mom almost slapped him but calmly collected the plate from him and told him to switch off the telly when he was done,I gave Mom the face like,is that all she was going to do? She told me to go on to my room and Karl and I went ahead.

By the third day of his visit,we were all tired of him already,he asks the most stupid question you wouldn't think a guy in his early 20s would,he had broken a plate and cracked a ceramic cup,we had had enough,so Mom picked her phone to call his mom but got distracted by the telly where news of the xenophobic attacks in south africa was breaking,as soon as the news was over and she started scrolling through her contact list for Kabir's mom's number,a call came through and she picked,

"WHAT?"

She screamed!

What happened?

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