MAJ AND HAMZ TAKE LAGOS! Queer eye for the straight guy

It is said that when we desperately want something,the best way to aim to get it is to simply take our minds off it. #succintlyput


- PLAY

"Your eyes...those eyes.."

She whispered softly,her hands ringed around my neck while mine were wrapped around her tiny waist,our eyes locked in a lustful gaze

"Yea? What about my eyes?"

I whispered back,smiling expectantly

"Your eyes...are queer"


She said,placing a wet kiss between my eyes,taking it down my nose and to my collar bones,biting softly at it which made me jerk ticklishly

"Why do you say so?"

I asked,she pulled away from me,sitting on my thighs,her legs astride on my legs which on contact with mine were beginning to show signs of impending cellulite,her plunging wonder bra bounced her excessively pushed up breasts rapidly as her derriere landed on my thighs,with a smile,she swallowed and continued

"You have this..this...lifestyle that is considered on the surface as quite queer,you are quite finicky about food,about your wardrobe and the colours of your clothes..."

She said as I cut in,my eyebrows arched with incredulity

"What? Lol,you can't be serious,finicky over food and picky over the colours of my wardrobe?"

She nodded,her eyebrows arched with certainty

"Yes Maj,in  the few days we've been making out,I've studied your person,even your smell...you are always bothered about you not smelling foul and quite obsessed with the way you look...don't get me wrong,I love it,I believe women nowadays shouldn't have to put up with men and eau de odour and obviously,you aren't bent as we've made love several times in a few days,I just love the perfect blend of your queer eyes with your straight,beautifully slim body.....you do moisturize your body don't you? It's beautifully  smooth and clear"

She said,I looked on  stupefied,totally dumbfounded and not sure how to respond. While I get lost in my reverie,let me take you a little back so you understand who "she" is

- REWIND TO 72 HOURS EARLIER

Since Hamz dashed our only hope of getting bails of money from his rich girlfriend on instagram,I had become a little obsessed with hooking someone,any female acquaintance of mine who had "some change" and could help us with transport fare by road back to abuja,since obviously asking Mom was out of it and we couldn't  ask Hajia Hassan for obvious reasons but as much as I tried,I could not raise much,I had "hooked" up with about three of such female acquaintances and only got 3500 naira so far,I was sad,I know most guys would jump for joy for being free to sow their raving oats but trust me,it isn't every time that sex is food for the soul,atleast not when you need money badly, (I wonder how prostitutes do it ).

I sat crossed-armed on the couch,watching a repeat episode of keeping up with the kardashians on E! Rather absent-mindedly,Hamz who sat beside me,kept giggling at Kim and scott disick's banter,I couldn't help but throw him an icy stare,wondering how someone could be so relaxed when we have no idea how to go back home,I had lied to the Hassans that I was waiting to get a feedback from the organisation where I went for interview before leaving for abuja,which was actually true,only it was not necessary I waited,I only used that as a delay tactic,it was the fifth day now since we arrived and I didn't want us to overstay our welcome...not that the Hassans were complaining but I just don't want their actions and body language to start hinting for us to take our leave before we get the cue.

I kept sighing every two minutes,thinking Hamz would turn back and ask me what was wrong but his attention seemed totally glued to the tv,I was gradually getting pissed and just as I was about to smack him on the back of his head and talk some sense into him for us to brainstorm on how to get money for our trip,the door bell ranged,it rang again in quick successions then I went to open the door,meeting the househelp also on her way to opening the door but I got there first,

"Maj?! Wow! How far? Longest time,ahhan! When did you arrive in lagos?!"

Tj asked,speaking in pidgin english which is almost like the lingua-franca amongst young dudes nowadays as we shook hands and hugged excitedly

"I dey oo TJ,I dey,I got into lag like five days ago and momsi said you now stay on the island after securing a plum job there,hehe"

I teased,he looked at me in  mock  annoyance,responding

"Abeg,wetin plum?! We just dey manage and being grateful for little blessings by thanking God oo"

He said,coming in and shutting the door after him,he continued,

"So how far na? How mumsi and your brothers....and your blog hehe! Omo mehn,your grammer ehn, I dey read your writeups and dey always salute,lol,you are a born writer o"

I laughed,playfully pushing him away softly as we walked towards the living room where Hamz was standing,waiting to receive us

"Are you trying to mock me or what? Wetin we dey write? What grammar? You wey study for england dey tell me about grammar,abegi,am just trying my best and my brothers are fine,I came to lag with Hamz,he's in the sitting room"

I said as at that moment,we were just reaching the living room and Tj who was surprised to hear what I'd just said and about to start a sentence when he saw a smiling Hamz approaching him with opens arms for a hug

"Oh really...is he in...oh how far Hamz,Oh my God,look at how buff you've become? Wow,am so happy to see you guys mehn,seriously,am so happy"

They both hugged each other,laughing heartily after which we all sat on the sofa and catch up on our lives and work et al.

Tj,a chubbily-muscular guy and quite cheerful is the only son of the Hassans,he has three sisters and quite older than me,he studied abroad at the university of hertfordshire and thereafter,a masters at the university of  newcastle upon-tyne and now working for a cool multinational company on the lagos island,since we were introduced by our moms many many years ago,we clicked and hit it up fast as buddies.

"So wasup na,una don chop? Me I dey hung bad bad o"

Tj moaned while Hamz answered in the affirmative that we've had lunch,Tj then beckoned on the househelp to serve him some food as he teased us on watching keeping up with the kardashians

"That's the american version of you guys right?"

We all laughed whilst kicking back, quietly watching the episode as Tj ate his food. we chatted for a bit after the show ended when Tj told me his dad was also an ardent follower of my writeups on keeping up with the adagiris,Hamz and I covered our mouths in utter shock

"You don't mean it"

I  exclaimed,he emphasized that he follows everything and they do talk about it occasionally and if he is yet to bring up the discussion with me,then that is a head's up for me that the kuwda conversion would come up between Alhaji and I,the man is quite an avid reader, an ardent world news follower, a technology enthusiast and a social media guru amongst many other fabulous sides to him,so I knew I had to brace up for a learned and evolved conversation about the arts and my writing techniques. After his meal,we decided to go for a leisurely stroll round the estate at Tj's suggestion for us to get familiar with the area and thereafter watch the neighborhood guys' football match at a field within the estate. Feeling a little uneasy at the word football,I awkwardly twitched my lips a bit,quickly raising a smile,pretending it was a fantastic idea,Tj knew me well enough to know  that I don't like football but I guessed he either forgot or thought since there
are three of us going,I would not mind even though he's always told me he would "force-watch" me into loving the game eventually. I've said it several times in the past openly expressing my dislike for football,I found it silly that grown up men kick leather around and people cheer excitedly,it was just forty-five minutes of play,It would not kill me,I thought and so,went out with Tj and Hamz in tow.

Whilst descending down the rather steeped but tarred street of the Hassans,we saw a lady in tank top over jean trousers,slim but very shapely walking towards us smiling,apparently she lived in the estate and well acquainted with Tj who was also smiling back with his arms open to hug her,they met up and hugged warmly,catching up since obviously,they haven't seen each other in weeks,

"Nawa for you oo,you no even show face for estate again,why na? Naso work tie you down?"

She complained,Tj tilted his head to a side with a smile and apologised for not being around,blaming it on work and several crash courses he had taken on

"My dear Tolu,am so sorry ok? Don't worry,I would try and make it here every weekend,I know you've missed me a lot"

Tj said as they shared knowing glances and cracked loudly with laughter,seeing he was yet to introduce us,tolu asked to know who we were,

"Who are these gorgeous guys? Your buddies?"

Tj held me,supporting my back with his other hand,introduced me then turning to Hamz to do same,

"They are my cousins"

Tolu shook hands with Hamz first and then with me,I thought her grip was a little to tight for a girl just meeting a guy,then I felt a little tickle of her finger on my palm but I was not so sure if it was real or a figment of my imagination,we all both chatted briefly on sundry matters before we bid her goodbye and left for the football field where I yawned every two minutes till the match ended.

Slumping tiredly on the sofa on getting back home,Tj went upstairs to his room and flipping his laptop open,he inserted his modem and got busy skyping with friends while Hamz watched wrestling on cable and I got pinging with friends. Some moments later,Tj buzzed me on blackberry messenger,asking me to come upstairs to meet him,I lazily pulled myself up and went to meet him,he sat me down grinning sheepishly then told me Tolu had her eyes on me

"The girl has the hots for you and I say you should go for it,she's sexy and loaded,what do you say?"

He exclaimed excitedly,I momentarily reflected on our situation and Tj said she's loaded,I became convinced in my mind that this was God's sent and it came when I was not really hoping or expecting it,I nodded and agreed,he shared her blackberry pin with me and we got chatting.

- FAST-FORWARD BACK TO REALITY

"I don't know what to say Tolu,your assessment of me is quite unexpected"

She smiled and moved closer to me,pecking me all over,

"Don't change Maj, you are very super,I think you are awesome and special just the way you are"

I tried to scan her face to see if she meant what she was saying and from what I know from psychology and my intuition,she seemed genuine,she continued as she moved towards her bedside drawer,

"...And to compensate you for being such a good good boy Maj,I think you should have this"

She said,handing me some wads of 1000 naira notes,my jaws falling open totally dumbstruck,I counted and it was 8000 naira,I was surprised,I quickly did a mental calculation with the earlier 3500 I had raised,that makes it 11500,whew! Finally,I had raised enough to take us to abuja by road,I excitedly held Tolu's head and kissed her deeply,I couldn't wait for us to leave lagos but some surprises lurk in the corner,

What happens next?

KEEP UP!