Life hacks

"WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU THIS USELESS BOY"

Mom wailed,throwing her hands up,slapping and hitting Hamz all over which made him fall on the sofa,she kept hitting him hard,pinching and biting him as Hamz yelped in pain,I stood by,my arms folded across my chest,looking on,she continued

"WHAT DID I EVER DO WRONG WITH YOU? WHY ARE YOU ALWAYS BENT ON HUMILIATING ME AND RUINING MY REPUTATION AMONGST FRIENDS? EH! "

Mom's body quivered amidst sobs,looking up to the ceiling,her hands on her waist and tears running down each side of her eyes,I sighed and releasing my arms,I asked a now kneeling Hamz in a commanding tone to lie down flat on the floor,he gave me the side eye with a wry smile that says "how dare you", QT's voice suddenly resonated startingnly from behind us,

"HE ASKED YOU TO FUCKING LIE DOWN,WOULD YOU NOT OBEY HIM?"


He roared,instantly pulling off his leather belt from around his waist in a flash,Hamz quickly lay down flat on the floor,Mom looking intently straight at Hamz with a countenance like thunder kept nodding her head,a million thoughts probably going through her mind on what to do with him,I stifle a smile that was trying to trickle into my lips at the  feeling like I got power and authority,I felt giddy at the thought of being an elder brother who is being feared and respected,mind you,we all respect each other yet we act like friends,I guess I just sort of miss the kind of authority and power that comes with being a senior back then in boarding secondary school.


I cleared my throat and sternly demanded he apologised to Mom,she quickly interjected and said she doesn't need his apology as that would not avail her reputation which had been totally brought to a state of disrepute with his philandering conducts,going on to list his past sexapades,

"It is this same you,who slept with my friend for financial gain as though I never give you money for your personal use,it is you who slept with my exes daughter while we were briefly married and caused so much  feud between both families,it is you who was embroiled in a pregnancy scandal with a girl over who was responsible and we got out by the whiskers,the list goes on,what is wrong with you? Are you cursed to get destroyed by the body of a woman or what?" 

She rained on Hamz,going on to preach about how men who are promiscuous end up ruined,citing examples of great men in the holy books,men in history and in contemporary society who got destroyed as a result of their obsession with the daughters of eve.

Karl apologised on his behalf as she threatened to take Hamz away and dump him at our late Dad's family house in our hometown,either that or for him to continue to stay with her,he has to raise money,however way as long as it is legal and travel back to lagos to apologise to the Hassans,Mom sounded definite and refused to listen to Karl's pleas,she commanded QT to flog him mercilessly which he did,I felt moved with emotion as I saw Hamz cry as though his life was coming to an end. Despite his displeasing behaviour and lothario exuberances,I still love Hamz a whole lot and see him as my little baby brother. Mom went upstairs to shower while QT,Karl and I sat Hamz down and chastised him over his conduct and why he needed to approach Mom and apologise so as not to bring the wrath of God upon him since in islam,it is believed that the paradise of a child lies on the feet of his mother,Hamz sniffing from cying so much, laid his head on my shoulder and as I
made to hug him,he writhed in pain from my hand's contact with his bruises sustained from his lashes as I quickly retracted my hands away from him.

An hour later,Mom got dressed up and was on the phone,all of us were calm,Mom was talking cheerfully on the phone,I made a sign to Hamz for him to approach Mom and beg for forgiveness,he gave me a sad look but I doe-eyed at him,urging him to go,so hesitatingly,he stood up and approached Mom who gave him an evil side eye,then when Hamz prostrated and begged amidst sobs for her to forgive him,it tugged at her heart and overwhelmed by emotion,she placed a hand on his head,forgave and prayed for him,my brothers and I smiled and cheered,Mom and Hamz smiled and hugged each other,she then announced she was going to our hometown to enable her vote in the presidential election where she registered,

"But Mom,who's going to drive you there?"

Karl asked,she smiled and ask us not to fret as she was going with a colleague of hers from work who is also from our hometown

"I know you can't vote yet and your brothers registered for their voters' card back in kwara state and you all don't feel like travelling home,so it's fine,there's is enough food in the house,I would drop some money with Maj since he's the homemaker and cooks the food,it's just going to be a week at home and I would be back" 

We nodded as Mom called me to help bring her luggage downstairs,soon after,her colleague drove into our compound and we hugged Mom and bid her farewell.

On leaving,QT turned on the telly to catch up with the news and events leading to the presidential election, while I went to the kitchen to prepare lunch. While at it,some friends of QT came around and said some dangerous looking men were sighted earlier that day and it seemed they were organised by a rich politician who lived at the end of our close to help scuttle voting processes the next day in the electoral ward in our area and since abuja is the federal capital,there is high possibility that men of the police force would invade the area in their numbers to quell any uprising and arrest anyone they saw as they wouldn't tolerate any violence in abuja which is where most international observers would be,

"And since most guys in our area are muscular guys who gym,it means we could be mistaken for goons and could be arrested so I suggest we go on a camping trip for the duration of the presidential election"

Lanre,a friend of QT's ,said,QT almost dismissed the idea as holding no water but on deeper thought and seeing my countenance which had fallen in fear,he asked If going on a camping trip won't be more dangerous as movement would be restricted and also asked where we would go for camping,

"Besides I disagree we look like goons,this area is a rather tush area and they couldn't possibly mistaken us for touts"

Hamz chipped in,saying he was in with the idea for us to go on a camping trip

"It's an opportunity to make amazing memories,I think we should take it just to be safe and have an all-male bonding....just saying"

He said with a shrug,I smiled at the thought and said even though security in abuja would be tight and movement restricted,it would be fun to play with fire but try not to get burnt,

"I mean,Mom is not around,we have some money and a few days of camping trip wouldn't be so bad"


Surprisingly,QT agreed so fast and Karl was on board so we started preparing in earnest,I took some money and together with Karl and Hamz,we went out in the car to get some can beverages,snacks,cereal,batteries for our radio while I bought olive oil to run at night over my body,some pain relievers and balms for soothing muscle pains,amongst many other stuffs we got.

Lanre and his cousins,all buffy men also got so many supplies including eggs placed in egg cartons,which I wondered what they needed it for since we weren't going to be baking anything but they said they loved eating boiled eggs,I sighed and said ok.


By early evening,we were all set with our supplies,Lanre already printed out a map of the suburbs of lugbe in the outskirts of the federal capital where we were going to camp for 72 hours,I made it clear I was not going to stay in a thick forest but somewhere with sparse forest and clear and accessible,yet picturesque mountains and the outskirts of lugbe fitted the bill,Karl had military background to help with protection and all,in fact I felt so secure in their midst as virtually all the men were buffy and well built,including my brothers. Lanre offered to provide the ride,a pajero jeep his father rarely drives which we would park at the foot of the mountain in case we saw a wild animal so we can easily rush into the car and speed off.

So medical supplies,check,tents check,food supplies and lots of beverages,including cartons of bottle water check and on a personal affair,my olive oil,check,antiperspirant,check,toothbrush and mouth spray check,mosquito net,check,so we all boarded the car,locked up the house and zoomed off.

We all felt the rush of adrenaline run through our respective bodies,sharing glances and smiles as we moved enroute our camp,it has been so long my brothers and I had an adventurous trip,not since ADAGIRI ADAMS

Luckily,we did not encounter any police checks till we got to lugbe as Lanre took back routes through galadimawa through airport road which is the longest route but to avoid the police thinking we were planning something evil. We got to the mouth of the forest which had no visible footpath but tall,dry grasses all over,Lanre simply drove over them as he navigated his way through the forest,my heart started beating fast as I started praying in my mind. Mom's call came in at that moment but network reception was gradually getting poor and I could not hear her probably,Hamz decided to try her with his own line to no avail,so we gave up and turned off our phone to save battery but we took along our solar-powered charger.

After about 30 minutes of driving,we got to a place where we thought was perfect for camping,quite clear land, a stream flowing some meters away and blowing cool air towards us and the foot of a moutain just a stone-throw away,Lanre stopped the car and we alighted as again,I said a prayer to ward off evil.

We unpacked as Hamz and I with one of Lanre's cousins set up the tent while Karl,QT and some of the other guys surveyed the area to ensure we weren't in the territory of any wild animal while Lanre picked firewood for the night,I took off my top with my tank top still on me,I stretched as Hamz,Lanre's cousin and I stepped back,checking out our set-up tent,

All of us together were eight,so it was a nice time when the boys opened up their can drinks with bon fire lit up,flaming up wildly as we all kicked back and laughed and chatted. Since the harmattan had dried up most firewood,it burnt easily and by then,it was already very dark and the guys could not go to fetch more woods,I became agitated and was thinking I would either sleep in the car or sleep in the midst of the guy when Karl did something that totally stunned us,he got a candle that he came with,got a soda can, then cut the side with a strong scissors and folded it out and place the candle in. The light  got reflected against the silver coloured inside of the soda can and enhanced  our vision in the dark,What I love about this is that using an empty soda can will make use of the candle in a more efficient way! The can serves as protection against the wind and its shiny aluminum side will help in intensifying the heat, thereby giving you additional
warmth on a cold night. clever stuff. Lanre and Hamz applauded his ingenious creation as Karl blushed and said it comes from spending several months in arid deserts of iraq clawing and scratching to stay alive. Soon we all began to feel warm inside the tent.

The next day,we all showered at the nearby stream as I took the last bottle of water and gulped down,Lanre almost strangled me for that,Karl sighed and went to the car boot to get a white satin cloth to get us clean water to drink,though am aware of that method of purifying water,it felt so nice seeing Karl swing into action again. This method of using a piece of cloth is just genius. It takes a bit of time but gravity definitely does its job well. It’s also very important to note that this is just a filter, You will still need to boil the water before drinking! Just because it looks clear doesn’t mean that there aren’t any bacteria or germs. Karl got us clean water and since it was fresh water from a spring on top of the mountain,we gulped down without a care in the world. Here’s another tip if you’re looking for cleaner water: never take anything from stagnant water because it is most likely contaminated with dead animals and germs that
will make you get really sick.

After we had our breakfast of cereal and taking selfies,we set out on an expedition to the top of the mountain which was quite dangerous but fun,although we didn't get to the top of the mountain,it felt good checking out the view of the capital city from where we were and gradually climbing down the rather steeped mountain back to the ground.

On getting back home,I screamed at the sight of some black snakes when I opened our tent,they apparently were attracted to the eggs Lanre brought,Lanre and his cousins quickly took cutlass and slashed off their heads,flexing their muscles proudly at the feat,I laughed,nodding with admiration,QT and Karl laughed. The day went by rather quickly and by nightfall,we listened to the radio the results of collation of votes from different states in the presidential election as I went to gather basil and some rosemary I had intended to use as a detox drink when I got back home but Karl picked them up. And together with shredded egg carton and some coal derived from the burnt wood,he lighted it up as I protested, he looked at me and slapped his shoulder to kill a mosquito,

"We are having  mosquito problems and you  got these household herbs.  basil and rosemary,very much necessary to create our local insecticide and you are complaining? You should thank me instead."

He said as I exhaled with fury,not wanting to tell anyone why I needed the basil and rosemary. He stood up to get an empty can drink and poured some olive oil in it and dipped a small rag in it then lighted the tip which served as an oil lamp while we charged our phones and torchlight as we awaited the final result of the presidential election.

Soon,we all went to sleep one by one,leaving only QT and 2 of Lanre's cousins who kept listening to the radio and suddenly,they started screaming when it became obvious general muhammadu buhari had won,we who were sleeping thought maybe we were being attacked as we sprang up with fright but to our relief,it was a scream of victory as we also joined in and whilst celebrating,we got interrupted quite startlingly by a voice from behind us which echoed,he was a hunter and demanded to know why we were there,we explained we were on a camping trip,the man must have thought us insane as camping isn't exactly such a common thing in our part of our world,Lanre's tone was beginning to rise and getting quite brusque but I pinched him hard,QT respectfully explained we were just having fun and most importantly to escape threats to our peace at home,the man nodded and asked us to keep our voice down as it was echoing and could attract wild animals,we thanked him and he
left.

The next day which was when we were suppose to leave,Lanre's cousin remembered he had a pizza in his luggage in the car,we all chided him for forgetting such a tasty treat as we had began to miss our life of the 21st century of having electricity,motorable roads and getting weary of the terrain in the forest,Karl took an empty cereal box and lined the inside with aluminum foil and also the outside and placed the pizza inside and placed in the sun,about 30 minutes later,we had a hot and sizzling pizza to eat,we all cheered on Karl and happily shared the pizza and ate,it was such a fun trip.

We all jumped into the stream and all had a fun bath,recorded videos and took so much selfies and all agreed we had a nice time,we boarded our car and drove home as we chatted all the way home about our fun-filled adventure.

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