MAJ AND HAMZ TAKE LAGOS! Story for the gods

"...So,how is your mother ...and elder brother...oh sorry...elder brothers,I forgot you both now have an additional elder brother"

Alhaji Hassan asked with a smile,shoveling a spoonful of rice well mixed with delicious red stew to his mouth and chewing hungrily. Returning the smile and dropping my spoon,I responded

"They are alright sir,they send their regards sir"

Hamz kept digging into his food without paying attention to what we were saying

"So how long would you both be here?"

He asked again

"Em!...a week or two but most definitely before the elections"

Alhaji Hassan slowly nodded his head then wiping his lips with a serviette,he stood up to leave the dining table

"I hope you are enjoying your meal...I would be at the sitting room upstairs watching the news"

I thanked him as Alhaji left the dining area,Hamz's spoon continuously clanging on his ceramic plate as he dissected his piece of fried fish and chewed on it rather noisily.  Immediately Alhaji left the dining area and out of ear shots,I quickly turned to face Hamz

"You this hungry food monger,haba! You didn't even try to act like you were interested in what we were saying...why is it that when you see food,all your sense of chivalry and civility goes out the window?"


I rasped almost in a whisper so as not to draw attention,Hamz raised his face to look at me,his whole mouth soiled with vegetable oil,chewing on fish bone irritatingly,he shrugged and unrepentantly responded saying he did not want to interject as I was already giving the right replies

"You were doing a good job with your responses,why butt into the conversation? Besides I was chewing and it's bad table manners to talk and chew"

I sighed dejectedly,covering my face with my palms for a few seconds ruminating on the best response to hit him with

"You brute! It's not about you "butting" into the conversation,Alhaji was talking to the both of us,the least you could do,if you wouldn't chip in is pause from your eating,make facial contacts with him,spliced with occasional smiles that say you are with us,it is the ideal thing to do rather than chewing away like a goat,acting unconcerned with what the man was saying as though you were newly brought in from the village and haven't tasted a meal so good ever before"

Obviously a little stung by what I had just said and trying to hit back at me while still chewing,perhaps,at that moment, a tiny piece of bone got stucked in his throat which sent him coughing hard,holding his chest and clasping his neck,I allowed him cough hard for a bit before relaxingly handing him a glass of water,his angry,misty eyes throwing me a dreary stare whilst gulping down the chilled cup of water. Breathlessly inhaling after taking his water,he turned on me,accusing me of being cold blooded

"I know you detest me Maj but I didn't know you were capable of calmly looking on at me whilst I almost choke to death...you just hit a new record in your mean attitude towards me your little brother"

He said feigning an innocent look,fluttering his eyelids rapidly as  I laughed at his absurdity.

It was the night of our arrival in Lagos and the Hassans have been very welcoming and nice towards us,Hajia Hassan,wife to Alhaji Hassan and a successful lace clothing merchant in lagos is Mom's bosom friend,their friendship dates back to university days and are very close. Together with her husband and four kids,most of whom are now grown and living away from home, live in a house,located in a chic,well-planned, large-gated estate in berger,the house is outwardly an edifice and inwardly, quite compact and cozy yet an elegant home,their garage,filled with state of the art cars would make you shiver and appreciate science coated with avant garde art,everything from the architectural design of the house to the painting,decor,et cetera was tastefully selected,they clearly have a fine taste in virtually everything.

After our meal,I rose to pack our plates to the kitchen zinc to wash but their househelp suddenly showed up from nowhere as though she was monitoring us from a secret camera and quickly collected the plates from me and took to the kitchen to wash them, therein I thanked her and motioned to Hamz for us to go upstairs to our room.

The door slammed shut after Hamz and I before him had entered our room. Slumping on the bed which bounced me up and down continuously,I asked Hamz who was picking the tv remote to turn it on when he was going to meet with his rich,instagram girlfriend,

"It's very vital you meet up with her very soon and get things heated up...you cannot afford to slack you know!"

Hamz nodded affirmatively,picking his teeth with his fingers,intermittently sucking out with his tongue, tiny pieces of fish stucked between his teeth.

"Yeah bro! I know,I'd sent her a text immediately we touched down in lagos and my pretty eve says she can't wait to see me"

I beamed happily with smiles as we both settled down to watch a random soap on cable.

The next day,I woke up later than everyone in the house,Alhaji Hassan had already gone to work,he is the general manager of a new generation bank. I rolled sleepily on the bed when suddenly, I heard Hajia Hassan barked orders at her househelps in the garage downstairs as she got prepared to leave for her big shop on the island where she sells clothes in wholesale,I picked my phone on the bed by my head and checked the time,it was past 8 am,I sprung up with a start and dashed into the bathroom to brush my teeth where unknown to me,Hamz was there having his bath,soapy foam all over his body,he screamed at me to get out of the bathroom,I simply smiled and told him there was no longer need for that,picking up my toothbrush and squeezing some toothpaste on the bristles,

"I have to quickly brush and get downstairs to greet Hajia before she leaves for her shop,I don't want her to have the impression we are such sleepy heads who don't have an early start to our days...besides what's there to hide in your genitals? I've seen it since it was a tiny pinkish flaccid piece of flesh as a baby and watch it develop into the grown phallus it is today"

I said with a smile,brushing my teeth vigorously and spitting fluoride foam into the unusual sky blue bathroom zinc as Hamz turned on the hot shower,sprinkling water on me.

After brushing my teeth,I wiped my mouth with my towel,dashed out of the room then gliding down the stair rails,I got downstairs just in time to greet Hajia as her driver was about to drive out of their expansive gate

"Ahh! How are you my dear? ,I didn't want to disturb you both sleep as I understand you must be very tired from your trip,there's food in the kitchen,so all you need do is microwave it ok? And if you need to go out,just tell the gateman"

She said and I prostrated to thank her as she waved goodbye and her driver pulled out of the compound.

When I got back upstairs,Hamz was all dressed up,a red and blue checkered T-shirt,black new york face cap,dark blue skinny jeans and camel-coloured  timberland boots,I smiled approvingly

"Wow bro! You look quite suave,where are you heading?"

I asked,Hamz cleared his throat and said he was going to meet his rich instagram girlfriend

"We fixed an appointment to meet today,so I got dressed up,ready to go get us some cool moolah bro !"

Hamz grinned excitedly

"So is she coming to pick you or sending a driver as you and I both know you don't know your way around lagos"

I asked,Hamz paused for a second,looking at me from head to toe quite condescendingly

"What do you mean I don't know my way around lagos? The state capital,ikeja is just a bus away and from there,am sure I would get a bus that is going to ikoyi"

He said with a pompous air of someone who has an avid geographical knowledge of lagos,I bursted into uncontrollable laughter,holding the nearby wardrobe for support

"Thank God you haven't set out! Ah! Hamza,do you think you are in abuja where the traffic is in order and everyone trying to act civil? This is lagos,you would just get lost *mimicking him*  "the state capital ikeja is just a bus away and from there,I would get a bus going to ikoyi"...I pity you,that's not the route to ikoyi oo and let's assume you could get to ikoyi through that route,it would be the longest trip of your life,that is adding the snarly traffic to it"

I said,his face falling quite solemn,he then admittedly asked me for directions to ikoyi

"I'd already told her am very familiar with lagos and all she need do is send me the address"

I sighed and turned around to the bedside table,got a paper and pen and wrote out the directions to ikoyi and handed it to him

"From here you can now follow the directions from the girl and please and please,say a prayer before you step out of the house ok? And call me every hour on the hour for me to know your location"

I cautioned,Hamz snickered and told me he is not a baby

"Won't I creep the girl out if I keep checking out with you every hour? Abeg forget that one"

I insisted he must call me or I won't allow him leave,seeing I meant what I said, he nodded and  grudgingly agreed.

"So wasup with you,what are your plans for the day?"

Hamz asked and I told him I would be going to ikeja for an interview...

"...from there,I would be chilling at ikeja city mall,watch a few movies maybe and hang out with friends. I texted a few friends that I would be there."

So Hamz left and I went to the bathroom to take my bath.


Some moments later,after having my bath,I  got dressed up to go for my interview,just before I stepped out,I cross-checked my relevant documents to make sure all I needed was there,just then,Mom's call came in and I picked the call,she wanted to hear our voice and make sure we were fine

"Where's Hamza? I've been calling him but he's not picking,is he there with you?"

I scratched my head,stammering trying to figure out what to tell her,obviously she won't be pleased with me if I tell her,her baby is on his way to ikoyi,all by himself and to see some girl,she would be as livid as hell

"Um..er..he's in the backyard gyming,I guess that's why he's not picking"

I said with a long exhale,feeling quite relieved I had something to say

"It's ok then,my regards to him ok? And best of luck on your interview darling"

I smiled and thanked her then hung up.


"IKEJA,UNDER BRIDGE IKEJA,RADIO,AGIDINGBI,IKEJAA"

The bus conductor bellowed the various bus stops he's operating at the main berger bus stop leading towards Hajia's estate as people hurried along on their various destination and some hopping into the bus,I quickly made for the front sit and sat their,I turned to the conductor asking him how much the fare is

"Na 100 naira,abeg hold your change o,I no get change oo"

He said in pidgin english in his coarsely base voice,I sat properly again,satisfied with the amount and checking my face out in the car's side mirror,I immediately fished out my phone and put a call to Hamz to ask how his trip was going so far,immediately he picked the call,I had not said anything when he barraged me with his outburst

"Brother! It's not an hour yet and yes,am on my way to ikoyi,it's peak hour so the traffic is quite "snarly" just as you predicted and yes I've gotten in touch with the instagram girlfriend and she's still waiting and expectant and no,everything is fine and am safe and yes I made sure the bus I boarded is a rather old bus and my guts told me it isn't a "one chance" bus and yes am with my handkerchief and not sweaty yet"

My agape mouth slowly came close and I simply told him he was stupid then ended the call.

The bus soon got filled up and we started on our trip to ikeja,I alighted at alausa and went for my interview. It went pretty well and I saw the glint of mesmerity in the employer's eyes which said I dazzled him, so I willed myself to fate that I clinch the post.

On the other side of lagos,towards the island,Hamz who was sitting in the BRT bus he boarded to the island, shut his eyes in mildly palpable fear as the bus moved over the third mainland bridge

"Hahaha,brother,you dey fear? You be new person for lag shebi?"

The man sitting near Hamz asked him,nudging him playfully by his side,Hamz nodded saying it felt as though the body of ocean  was rising up vertically to cover up the bridge,the man threw his head back and laughed hard,patting him softly on the back,he assured him he's safe and no water would envelope them

"I know sir...it's just making me a bit dizzy,maybe because of the height of this bus,creating this feeling like we are gliding over water"

"Don't worry ok? You would be fine"

The man assured. When they alighted at c.m.s on the island,he then took another bus heading to ikoyi. By now,Hamz was beginning to get a bit sweaty and uncomfortable with the push and mix with people in the bus,fearing he might get to the instagram girl's house looking rough and smelling stale but he kept dabbing the forming beads of sweat away

He got to the street as written in the text message sent to him by the rich girl from instagram,the house was massive and befitting of a rich girl,Hamz,though tired, smiled broadly to himself then approached the gate and just when he was about  to knock on the gate,he stopped his hand in its track midway and checked his breath to ensure it wasn't smelling foul, he wiped his face clean with his handkerchief and  all had checked out fine,he then proceeded on knocking on the gate.

Some tall,dark mallam in old native kaftan,obviously the gateman opened the gate and in thick hausa-accented pidgin english, asked Hamz who he wanted to see.

"Er! Salam alaikum,na Aliyah I wan see abeg"

Hamz responded,the gateman looked him from head to toe quizzically then asked him to hold on while he puts a call through to Aliyah via the intercom,Hamz looked on as the mallam's mouth moved rather fast as he talked into the receiver then dropped the phone and walked towards Hamz

"Aliyah talk say she dey come...oya come inside"

He said,opening the gate for Hamz to enter,he thanked him and walked in,surveying the whole compound and building and everything in it,totally awed by what he saw,sighing repeatedly.

Minutes later,a bubbly, fair,slim girl with a rather expanding waistline and blown up blonde weave sashayed happily towards Hamz,beaming with excitement,she's truly the rich girl on instagram he had been chatting and exchanging pictures with but he thought she looked prettier in the pictures than in real life...photoshopping maybe,all the same,she wasn't so bad.

"Oh my God! Hamza! So so happy to finally meet you...wow! You look so ripped and handsome in real life too"

She exclaimed excitedly as she hugged Hamz who in turn held her arm and twirled her around,licking his lips lasciviously and touching his chin in admiration of her,Aliyah giggled bubbly,playfully hitting Hamz on his arm. They exchanged pleasantries for a bit before she led Hamz by the hand into their home.

Hamz was totally bowled over by the extravagance of the house,the fluffy camel-coloured rugs which must take hours to fully huff with a vacuum cleaner,the richly embroided gold persian curtains neatly hooked in parts by the wall,the cinema-like super flat television screen,an upside down fountain-shaped chandelier which looks like it is dripping water but that's just a trick of the light,two life-sized tigresses reclining beside the tv,the list of luxury items in there is simply endless.

Hamz tried to hide his awe-struck feeling by forcing a smile. Aliyah motioned for him to have his seat and he did,the obviously foreign made leather seattee nearly swallowed him in with all its cushion softness,Aliyah soon disappeared into the house and back a moment later with a bottle of chilled non-alchoholic wine and two glass cups and poured some into each cup then took her seat near Hamz while they chatted and occasionally took sips of the wine. A while later,their conversation went from being barely audible whispers into loud chit chat and cracking laughter which drew the attention of a woman Hamz assumed must be Aliyah's mom, a middle age plump and busty woman with inch-deep makeup caked all over her face, dressed in lace attire and bejeweled with chunky gold jewelries,Hamz quickly stood up and bowed his head in greetings to her,she acknowledged his greeting,stopping to engage them in a little banter

"Ah ah! You must be the handsome guy that is driving my beautiful niece crazy recently on social media,am I right?"

Hamz eyelids fluttered rapidly in utter shock,did he hear right? Niece? Obviously the woman was the lady of the house since large portraits of her hung on the wall but Aliyah is not her daughter but a niece? He quickly got himself together and smiled,he said yes,going further to say he didn't realise he was driving her crazy.

"Oh trust me darling,you have been driving her wild with excitement,I just hope you have good intentions to make an honest woman of her and not break her heart oo! Because it would hurt me to take out my claws on you"

She said with a half-serious,half-teasing grin,playfully showing off her well manicured and polished acrylic nails

"Oh no ma! I do not intend to hurt her ma,she's quite a darling ma"

Hamz said who was now beginning to worry inside of him which kind of household he's in.

"That's good my boy,so I would leave you two to continue with your gisting and hey Aliyah,when your cousin justina gets back,tell her to bring her trinket box along with her and meet me at the goldsmith's so she can have her jewelries washed and polished,am on my way there"

The lady of the manor said and with a wave to them,she left and shut the door behind her,Hamz looked on through the part in the window curtain as she entered her hummer jeep and drove out of the compound

"What are you staring at Hamzee?!"

Aliyah asked,pinching Hamz back to reality,Hamz smiled and cleared his throat

"Your aunty is quite beautiful and obviously very rich...what does she do?"

Hamz asked,

"Well,she's a business woman,she and her husband are into a lot of things,from manufacturing to oil and gas amongst many other things."

Hamz nodded at her response then felt the atmosphere was right for him to ask the question tugging at his chest

"And she's your aunty? I was under the impression she's your mom and that this was your house"

She smiled and replied,saying the lady of the manor is her mom's younger sister and that she's just living with her for the holidays

"Wow"

Was all Hamz could say,he doesn't know if she could be the cash cow he had thought she would be to him,his countenance showing he was a bit downcast,laying his head tiredly on the sofa but what Aliyah then said totally rattled him,she saw his countenance and said

"So you were expecting that I was going to be the daughter of my aunt and be your maga-don-pay girlfriend right? Sorry to burst your bubble nigga,that ain't gonna work"

She said bluntly,Hamz looked on at her,totally shocked,he tried to convince her that was not his intention but obviously,the girl knows better to take his words with a pinch of salt. Their conversation thereafter lacked the earlier excitement it had and soon,Hamz thought atleast,if he was going to loose out of getting money for our flight,he could atleast get some "booty",so he squinted his eyes in a sexual manner,making sexual advances to Aliyah who promptly slapped his hands away

"Hamza! You disappoint me,what are you trying to do? Bang me in my own house? Have some game brother! Just because we flirt and all on instagram doesn't mean am that available for intimacy"

She said,turning away from Hamz and flapping her eyelids, totally peeved,Hamz,not the one to lower his alpha-male ego to a woman,thought he should protest by saying he was leaving,thinking Aliyah would try to placate him to stay but to his chagrin,she told him bye and asked how much would take him back home as she does not have much on her and knows Hamz probably doesn't have enough to take him back home,though Hamz wanted to tell her not to bother,it was indeed true that the journey back home is very far and had counted on getting money from her, so sadly,he had to collect it,Hamz felt terrible throughout his trip back home.

It was around 7pm when I left ikeja city mall,from there back to bergar wasn't such a long trip so I took a taxi which ferried me home,when I got home,I met Hamz lying on the rug in the living room,his hands clasped behind his head and very gloomy,I playfully tapped him on his thigh and asked if he had showered and cleaned up after his long day of romping his rich girlfriend,Hamz simply sat up and narrated all that happened to me,shaking his head sadly.

"YOU FRIGGIN SON OF A WH...queen!"

I exclaimed angrily,screeching to a pause midway when I remembered we have the same mom and calling his mom a whore would be insulting my own mom too which Hamz also caught and made him laugh

"What sort of story for the gods is this ehn? How the hell are we to leave this state ehn! After boasting about your lothario ways with women and getting all you want,ah! We are screwed,we would trek back to abuja,that's sure"

I spit,throwing my hands in the air exasperated


"How was I to know she was the woman's niece and that she's just holidaying with them and taking all the selfies she can take before she leaves,ehn!"

Hamz defended himself,I kept walking in circles,trying to think of a way out

"We have just 1000 naira left,so,what do we do?"

I asked,Hamz shrugged and told me bluntly that it was my turn to work my magic on a lady

"Am sure you have some female corper friends from your service year or some cool babes you know who can give you enough for us to take a flight back to abuja"

I looked him scornfully and hissed

"So you are still dreaming we would fly back to abuja? Ehn! Keep dreaming"

Sinking dejectedly into the cushion chair,I picked up my phone and started scrolling through my contact list,looking for a female whom I can rap and  get money from,whew! *roll eyes*

Wish me luck!

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