Camouflage 2

 

 "I need a lot of improvement
Not even half way to destiny
But I'm a train that's moving
And everyday I'm picking up speed
And god knows you ain't perfect
So who are you to put pressure on me
That's why I'm still searching
For somebody to love me with" 

The second verse of Brandy's hit song resonates with me immensely as I sit, typing this draft reminiscing about my short-lived relationship with Ariana. I think things started to break apart the moment we made it official. In all honesty, A lot of factors contributed to the collapse of our relationship though I couldn't say it was really her fault, she just couldn't cope with the sudden attention our relationship seemed to be garnering. So as i pen the breakdown of our relationship, if she's reading this, I hope it serves as a form of closure...for her and myself. 

THE GENESIS


We hit it off magically at the beginning, always making out at the slightest opportunity including getting frisky in dark places outside as a way of spicing things up, although it wasn't all about the sex. It felt wonderful being with her and the "anonymous" nature of the relationship helped keep things in perspective until the first weary fork-pronged lines of impending collapse began to etch in after she demanded I meet her family, this happened after a session of hot sex.

Ariana and I couldn't have enough of each other as she pulled away from me after driving her to orgasm, breathless and gasping with intermittent burst of laughter, she shook her head in awe of me,

"Wow! Maj, that was awesome"

She exclaimed, I nodded, already feeling quite dizzy after putting in much work while she sat up on the bed  putting her brassiere back on when she declared,

"Maj, why not let's make things official, let's cash in all our chips, this no-strings- attached relationship we are involved in doesn't do it for me, it makes me feel like a whore!"

I heaved a long sigh and after pondering over it for a little bit,  with a shrug of my shoulders, told her it was cool but reminding her that if things got out of control, she shouldn't blame me for agreeing to make things official, her face squeezed up into a puzzled frown, not quite understanding what I'd  meant and when she inquired, I told her not to worry.

Hamz was so proud of me at the news of us going official, saying it was long overdue for me to be in a committed relationship, jumping all over my bed excitedly whilst assessing my choice of outfit to go visiting Ariana's family,

" I think you should really go simple and not looking like a jehovah's witness faithful, abeg take off your corduroy jeans and wear a smart normal jeans jor.... whoever wears corduroy these days?"

Hamz fired at me as I groaned, un-buckling my belt and taking off the corduroy jeans revealing my tiny, weed-patterned briefs 

" So, tartan or midnight blue jeans, which should I go for? "

I asked, quickly raising up my hand to continue before he responds


 " Knowing fully well that I want Ari's popman to be able to trust me with his daughter... you know how this big men can be"

Hamz sighed and picked the blue jeans saying it was "safe", continuing,

"Why are you even meeting the family sef? This is not america where a bf meets with the girl's family, usually, the family just finds out on their own about their daughter's bf, probably meet and greet each other and gradually begin to communicate and get acquainted with each other, abi? "

I nodded with a smile whilst I put on the blue jeans responding ,

"It was Ari's idea, so am going with the flow"

To which he countered, asking me not to let her have the upper hand in the relationship,

"I know she's banging and her family got moolahs but don't let her always have the say, what kind of rubbish is that ehn! Show her you are your own man"

 "No no, it's not like that, we've been having each other's bodies for weeks and I genuinely feel attracted to her, besides her family..comprising of four male siblings just like us are beginning to sense she's seeing someone, so before they set a manhunt for me, I'd better show at their place, I mean, if we
had a sister and a man is twacking her, wouldn't you atleast want to know who?"

My response got Hamz  nodding in agreement while I twirled round for him to assess my colour blocked sartorial choices, a raven black wooly turtle-neck cardigan over midnight blue skinny jeans, tucking my feet in camel hide- coloured timberlands, Hamz gave a thumbs up of approval and I was set to go. 

THE CONFLICT


One thing about effeminate men is that, they never realise when their acts look feminine, they just live their lives and people point it out that a certain gesticulation or manner looked feminine. So you can imagine my embarrassment when it was called out by my supposed girlfriend's brothers and generating a wry this-is-weird smile from her father. Should I blame Ariana and her family and by extension, society for not being accepting enough? Or should I blame God? Which is a blasphemy  or commit suicide which leads straight to hell? I sure won't give any mo'fucker that pleasure.

I took a cab to Ariana's home in the ministers' hill area of maitama Abuja. Climbing out of the cab, I straightened my shirt and put a call through to her and she excitedly met  me at the junction of their street where I'd alighted and took me home. Expectedly, their house look quite grand but I comported myself well in the midst of the obvious affluence i was surrounded by.

Suddenly, a loud bass voice rendering greetings rang through the air  and I swiftly turned my head in the direction of where the voice was coming from, A tall, fat man with big paunch bobbled forth from their inner room with an outstretched sweaty hand at me which I quickly  received and with a short bow, greeted him, he gave his daughter the side eye together with a rapid nod of approval as Ariana blushed shyly. I smiled inwardly as I was led to the dining table where we sat and Ariana's dad proceeded in grilling me about my background, taking a moment to call on his other kids to join us at the table.

Clearing my throat, I began to tell him all about me when his lanky looking sons laughing and chatting on their way towards the dining room began to file in, I got a little flustered by their imposing physique but Ariana gave my hand an assuring tender squeeze beneath the table as I said my hellos to them and one of the brothers asked the others if I am the boyfriend, the other nodded and they all took their seats. I went on about my family and all when Eric, Ariana's eldest brother interjected, asking if I ever get male toasters, I was taken aback, totally flushed with shock and embarrassment, Ariana's dad demanded to know what his son meant, even the other brothers looked at Eric disapprovingly as he tried to thaw the frosty countenance of everyone by giggling, saying I looked too cute for some kind of men not to ask me out.

Everyone bought the bullshit except me, I knew exactly where he was driving at and shot him a darting look for a millisecond. Their dad apologised for the interruption and his son's remarks and asked me to continue but I was already pissed so I summed up the rest in a sentence, the dad sighed and said it was nice to meet me. We started on the meal we were served and Eric again asked if anyone ever told me I sometimes act abit feminine? I paused from my eating with a sigh as Ariana stamped her fist in protest, asking me not to respond, i  told him yes people do

" Thank God you said it's a bit and if it didn't take you two minutes to figure it out, that means yes people do notice but that isn't a problem now is it?"

I fired with a heavy and angry tone, generating a rather blank expression from Ariana as Eric's dad raised his hands, asking Eric to stop bugging me and allow us eat our food without getting pepper in our wind pipes. After the meal, Mr Edward (Ariana's dad) excused us, leaving me and Ari with his brothers watching a game of formula 1 when Alex, Ari's immediate elder brother asked if I like sports, I acted like I didn't quite hear what he said as I focused on the telly, looking engrossed with the game and started running a commentary of the game, Alex nodded and changed the channel to an NBA channel, Ari sprang up upset, demanding to know why he would do that knowing I was watching the channel, Alex told her he had the right as he was in his house, I knew the guys were trying to get me upset but I wasn't going to give them the pleasure and free passageway to getting under my skin, I just gently pulled Ari aside and whispered into her ears that it was ok and would be taking my leave, she turned to face me and demanded I stay, insisting  I should atleast relax and let my food digest before I go,

"You just got here babe! Don't just leave me with these punks"

She moaned, referring to her brothers to which Eric fired back from where he was sitting behind her asking Ari to get a better boyfriend they could roll with! That statement stung me, I held Ari aside and clapped back

" Isn't it ironic that a "complete" man like you with muscles and all got all sissy by eliciting pettiness to get under the skin of your kid sister's boyfriend while the supposed girly guy is the one acting all matured and manly. Muscles don't make a man mister, I might be soft looking but a man through and through in attitude and manners while you ,the hard-physiqued one is a petty lady inside"

Eric looked dumbfounded and asked that I leave their house immediately as his brothers thought he was being harsh and showed this by confronting him while their third brother Reuben secretly gave me a thumbs up for standing up to their bully of a brother. I pecked Ari on the cheeks in the full glare of his brothers and walked out prompting Eric  stomping off to get their dog.

THE CLIMAX

 Soon after the incident, Ari started acting strange, trying to be my "healthy push" by encouraging me to be manly, trust me, I've been down that road before and it wasn't good, some people are just created this way and it is what it is, just like an albino has no control over his pigmentation or lack of it.

At first, I tried to humour her and with each passing week, the demands got outrageous and unrealistic, I brought this up with Ari and she said if I couldn't cope, we should revert back to being friends with benefit, I gladly accepted and she threw a fit, asking if that was all she was good for,

"Babe! I can't deal with all your unrealistic demands, you met me this way and you chose to be with me, don't come and mess up my life ok? I've been through a lot in my journey and just recently came to terms with my personality, don't come and send me back to the hades in my head I struggled to escape from"

Just about that moment, Hamz walked in and sensing the tense atmosphere between us, asked If all was well, Ari gave a fake smile and announced it was over between the two of us! Hamz exclaimed

"WHAT BABE! BUT WHY?"

She sauntered out, telling him to ask me.  I told Hamz to let her go away as I was cool. Twenty minutes later I was in tears in Hamz's arms, not because Ariana broke off with me but because these flaws of mine seem to be getting in the way. Lots of women express interest in being with me and love my person but sometimes, they claim the negative impression of how my behaviour is perceived by people gets to them, causing a friction.

Hamz consoled me and put me to sleep, he's such a sweetheart these day right? Lol! Amazeballs who have followed kuwda from the beginning are quite aware of how much of my personal demons I've detailed and how my effeminate gestures has shaped the way I look at the world and people as documented over time, so understandably, none of my brothers bothered preaching or asking me to do anything, they just consoled and told me not to get worked up over a bitch!

ANTI-CLIMAX.

The next day, alongside Hamz, I went to see a  clinical therapist after I'd spoken to Mom and she said I could go if it would make me feel better,

"I've always told you that you are ok! Life is art and we can't all be alike, that is the beauty of the world, the beauty in diversity, variety being the spice of life, very few people know these because they were brought up to see the world in a one dimensional way, and again, as long as you have the love and support of myself and your brothers, that's all the foundational base of love you could ever need to surmount life's challenges you encounter as a result of your beautiful flaws! Abdulmajeed, please don't slip back to those dark years of your teenage phase where you were suicidal and all, I beg of you, don't kill me before my time, I didn't kill my parents and God willing, no child of mine would cause me death" Mom adviced .

The therapist said I looked perfect,

"it is called gender dysphoria but honestly, as far as I'm concerned, you look perfect. Have you seen a lot of movies where effeminate guys are casted? I think you are perfect, you aren't so effeminate as you paint yourself to be, maybe your quiet and gentle mien makes it abit pronounced but you really are ok and should embrace you and your flaws, don't do something you might regret, and compared with others who ended up changing their sex or living as drags which by the way is totally understandable, I think you've fared well, I could tell you to take hormone injections called testosterone but you could be macho yet feminine, am sure you've seen those ones too, just embrace your flaws, they are beautiful, God doesn't make mistakes, trust me"

The therapist counseled. I felt quite relieved afterwards.

THE RESOLUTION

It's been over three weeks after the whole drama, Hamz, QT and Karl got me distracted the whole of the brief hurting period by setting up home parties just between us, it was fun relieving those years of naughty brotherly fun of our childhood,  playing games and ofcourse my job at NIMC all provided a healthy distraction until one day just before settling into bed to retire for the day, a text came into my phone and it was Ariana, saying she missed me and wanted us to hook up! I smiled and sent her a picture of a girl Hamz recently connected me with and whom I found quite thrilling and fun,

"She's a lot hotter as you can see and doesn't mind my flaws and oh! Have you listened to that hit song by brandy camouflage? Pls do and pay attention to every lyric cos I mean every word besides, there's nothing to offer me again, I already had you! On to the next challenge! Toodles bae"

So my reply reads! 

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