Maze of the mind.

We often hear or come across this statement which I had considered a cliche about the mind being a powerhouse...How we are shaped by our thoughts thus we become what we think, when the mind is pure, joy follows like a shadow that never leaves, yada yada yada, in my opinion, words have no power to impress the mind without the exquisite horror of their reality but then again, learning never exhausts the mind, I'm about to find out! 

 

The rest of the ramadan fasting period went without drama post DISS-TANT RELATIVE and now the only drama that I need to quell was the one starting to billow in my head. The pertinent questions about where the Kuwda blog is going and what I should be doing with my life... sometimes, being unsure where life is taking you makes you so scared.

 

 It was a few days after the sallah "festive" celebration following the ramadan fasting period and I guess I got sucked into one of those worry-induced mood swings where I get really unhappy for no cogent reason. I was lying on the cool tiled floor watching a repeat episode of a telenovela series when Hamz sauntered into the sitting room holding the hand of one of his female friends-with-benefit. They greeted me and I just looked at them with the corner of my eyes as I was too tired and sleepy at the time to even raise my upper body up and respond properly to them, Hamz walked up to me and asked if I was alright seeing as I looked dull like a water-soaked dough of bread, I said I was fine and without pressing further, he excitedly turned around quickly and went to take a sit beside his friend, moments later, I dozed off!

 

 I don't know for how long I had dozed off but I thought I heard moans of pleasure, like I was walking alone along a lonely, sandy street and then stopped in my tracks when I heard the moans. It must have been a blend of reality and dream...a state of subconsciousness because it felt like I was dreaming but channeled by the sounds my sleeping body was hearing to direct how my dream went, there was a slight giggle, like one who got tickled then a deeper moan, I shook and woke up, I was still and tried to flick open my eyelids but felt glued down by eye sugar...that sticky substance that gums your eye down and you have to scratch it off to open your eyes, I did and in an initial blurry view, I thought I saw Hamz's body in an animated motion on top of his friend on the sofa making love, I was so mad that my brain was in an instant flooding my mind with several ideas of what I should do to make them pay or spoil their fun, I thought to stay still and let them finish their little party or just feign a cough and get them jittery, I couldn't decide but I felt Hamz is such a fool who totally disrespected me and our house. As brothers, many would think I should let it pass... mind over matter kind of thing, If I don't mind it then it shouldn't matter hence allow him but do you know his track record with women? No, I do mind and so this matters. 

 

I surprisingly allowed them finish with their rendezvous, it was weirdly uncomfortable hearing my baby brother moan just few feets away from me, when they were done, I pretended to yawn and stretch as they quickly put themselves in order, I stood up, my face looking like thunder, I picked up my phone and pretended to be putting a call across to someone as Hamz fiddled with the T.V remote, flicking through the channels on the television, so I spoke aloud in our native Ebira language which the female friend of Hamz's clearly doesn't understand, pretending to be talking to Mom, reporting Hamz to her about what they had just done. You needed to have seen the kind of shock that ripped through Hamz's body as he gasped in horror and jumped up in fright, I turned to him and asked if he was alright, his friend also giving him the facial expression of what I had asked him, he then responded to me in our local dialect asking me to forgive him, I was like, "You're so dead!" 

 

Hamz's friend gone, I started chiding him for his actions,

 

 "...How dare you do that on the sofa where we all sit, do you want someone's cloth to get soiled with your fluids and thus get one unclean to pray without even knowing it?" 

 

He kept pleading, going on his knees and holding my hands, sobbing sheepishly and calling me big brother, pleading with me to conceal his secret...what an idiot, lol, he knows how to thaw my anger and get me pitying him in an instant but I tried to muster some courage and not fall for his antics but unknown to us, QT who had being out was already at the door which was left ajar and was on the phone with Mom who was giving him instructions to tell me on what to prepare for dinner as she had tried my line and couldn't get through, QT was shocked and I think Mom heard us because she then asked QT if she had heard right, QT stupidly said yes. 

 

QT launched angrily at a frightened Hamz and ordered him to get a damp cloth and wipe the leather sofa clean, he hurriedly did, Karl who was out with his girlfriend Shalewa strolled in and everyone started reprimanding Hamz for his actions. 

 

When Mom got back and listened carefully to all that had happened shockingly didn't reproach Hamz much, rather, she thought she could trace a bit of frustration in our anger towards Hamz, not because of what he had done but rather, angry because of our own frustrations at life, QT is feeling frustrated about getting a well paid job and settling down, my own issues are just all over the place with frustrations about not meeting my writing goals for #Kuwda this year, still angry about being effeminate, not exactly sure what I want amongst other issues and Karl feeling a hint of alienation from us probably because of his relationship with Shalewa, so Mom had to call us one by one and counsel us, assuring us that she could literally see through our hearts and venting our personal frustrations at Hamz, 

 

"..As much as I don't condone what he did, he's of age to start meeting women and where else do you expect him to take women? A sleazy cheap motel downtown? We would have lost him far deep by then....Abdulmajeed, you're such a worrier, you worry a lot and honestly I don't know why, look at those strands of grey hair on your beard, why? You need to relax and clear this maze in your mind about not knowing where you're headed, I know it's for the stars and you're almost there God willing, just kick back and relax really, you and your brothers, you are all of age to start getting married but it will all happen soon God willing and stop chiding your baby brother so harshly as though he's an actual baby" 

 

And with a deep sigh,

 

 KEEP UP!