Phases

''There would always be haters! Learn to use the criticism to fuel you, like a protein shake but made of hate!''

I smiled inwardly, staring at that powerful statement I unwittingly scribbled down on a sheet of paper before me as I sat on the comfy army green khaki cloth stretch chair on our terrace overlooking the small patch of green area in our compound just before the interlocked grounds as I write this very episode for Keeping up with the Adagiris.

Nothing much had been happening in the Adagiri household of late and with nothing blog-worthy to write about more so since I had gotten too relaxed in my writing niche comfort zone and previous attempts to dabble into other forms of writeups outside my niche proved a bit difficult and uninspiring, I decided to check my mail inbox to read emails from some fans and I stumbled upon some nasty comments about my blog. To say it didn't affect me would be an outright lie, I get praises and nice comments all the time and naturally, some hate mails too but these just got to me in a way I couldn't fathom, probably because I couldn't get myself to write to distract myself from dwelling on such venom and it was making me really upset and vulnerable.


 However hard I tried to shake off those cruel comments, I couldn't, some words just cut deeper than a knife, so I thought I should just read my writer friends blogs but aside making me feel lazy, it didn't help so gradually, I  sank into a what is known to writers as a famine phase in writing where I totally blanked out. I began to find writing quite a chore and reading anything aside entertainment news made my eyes heavy. Is this a phase in a writer's journey? What is the time limit of this snag? A 21 day creative juice hiatus? After  driving everyone around me (by everyone, I mean friends,my immediate family and even close fans of kuwda) nuts with my whining, lashing out and torturing everyone and myself with my sulky behaviour as I couldn't think of how else to react to this phase, led me to seeking help from my writer friends but they weren't practical with their solutions and at other times, gave tacit responses, I decided to man up and face my own demons.  So how do I start other than by googling what a phase is to begin with which I believed what I was going through was, armed with the background knowledge that  to really get a solution to a problem, you have to decipher what the problem really is to understand how to tackle it.   

 Phases or a phase! What do we understand by that term? Defining it quite academically, I would say, a phase is a distinct period or stage in a process of change or forming part of something's development, it could be genetic or seasonal. Did I try? Lol, anyway, in my young life, I've been through a gazillion phases and how this (according to the definition) is a part of a stage in my process of change or development, honestly I do not know or maybe I've not really noticed  how radical my  phases have effected a change or sense of growth in me, as far as I'm concerned, I just moved on from it. In my teens.

I had a period of rebellion which stemmed from being unhappy about my natural effeminate gestures and the bullying I had to endure hence rebelling against God and society (shrugs, teenagers right?)  which I exhibited in many many ways, first off was my hair, I did so many things with my hair, from super relaxing it, to blowing and braiding it, keeping an afro, I could go on and on then came  my age of sartorial experimentation where I dabbled into all things fashion, looking down on people who weren't "classy" enough and judging peoples' intelligence by the way they were dressed, afterall, the way you are dressed is the way you are addressed goes a popular saying right?

After this tumultuous phase, I sought refuge in food by comfort-eating where I gobbled up mountainous portions of food and took quite a huge amount of junk food, literally eating up everything in my way , whilst in this phase, I had a short stint partying quite hard ( short stint because I don't know how to dance and whenever I try, I couldn't for more than ten minutes before I get exhausted), afterwards came the inane obsession over my weight, I sometimes still go through this till this day. I have what I refer to as body image problems, I look quite skinny even though people tell me I look cute and quite ok but I just don't feel body beautiful and this sometimes affect my self esteem and I can't workout because I suffer from periodic chronic backpain even though my brothers think it's just laziness, going ahead to make me feel even more miserable when they flaunt their chiseled body and well formed packs, pulsating their abs to make me feel green with envy but quite frankly, I just don't see myself pumping steel but I do suffer from back pain really, then I had my moments of chronic low self esteem when I had acne back in junior high, it was that bad because it was a combination of insecurity from being effeminate plus red tinged pimples all over my face, chest and back, I thought I would die before I finish high school from depression due to the ebb at which my self esteem had sunk, it was that serious.

I could go on and on about the very many phases I've been through in my young life so scratch what I'd said earlier about not knowing what and how my phases have spurred some growth in me, it certainly has in a lot of ways, one of such ways is how it helped shaped my writing, after my phase of sartorial experimentation, I emerged becoming quite knowledgeable about fashion and trends which comes in handy when dressing myself or my brothers and Mom up for events and the basic fact that after the phase, I  became aware of my personal sense of fashion and style also, the way with which I rap effortlessly about fashion makes me seem quite the fashion guru hence enriching the blogposts which is well documented in my writeups in previous episodes of kuwda .

 In hindsight, comfort-eating period was  quite a torture but as there's always light at the end of a tunnel, so did I find light after this phase, I knew I had to do something about my situation, so I took up the conscious effort to eat healthy portions of food and came out wiser and quite a connoisseur with food, preparing rich and healthy meals in a lot of different fun ways, Mom is most glad. I still don't feel body beautiful yet but I manage to disguise them well and with my knowledge about fashion, I knew what tone of colours suits my frame, what size flatters my physique, disguising my skinny arms with nice hand bands and ofcourse, I became hinged on skincare plus my healthy eating  which ultimately cleared off my acne and the result? A boost in my self confidence, am a lot freer and happier than in my teens and I do love the "you're quite the looker" compliments.

 So are you battling with phases? Do you feel entangled in a web of oddities? Are you going through the toughest financial crunch yet? Are you convinced this is a phase? Then keep calm because at the end of it all, you will emerge wiser and aware than you were before, see it as an old, crude you thrown into a mill to come out well blended and refined. Hang in there just one more day! It would all end with praise.

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