Seabuckthorn

Denial is the first stage in grief,acceptance is the last and we can say Mom has been in denial for so long in accepting the fact that her sisters never really loved her,I think she accepted when she had to do a kidney surgery which can be read in WARD 309 when despite being a sensitive case of life and death,they chose not to accompany Mom to be by her side in the hospital when she requested to know which one of them would come along with her to cater to her. I had seen the signs from when we,that is,my brothers and I,(with the exclusion of Karl as he was not here then) were little,my aunties saw nothing good about us,whenever we went on holidays to their place,we became glorified house servants,beaten at will and sent on never ending errands all of which my Mom never for once complained about,her reasons,I was to later find out about as an adult which I would talk about as I progress. As little as six years old,I remember my aunt Hubaida slapped me
hard across my face even though I was ill for washing my left hand to eat a plate of eba and soup she had prepared when I was suppose to wash my right hand...remember,I was ill and a six year old boy. I recall Mom getting home from work that day and after I told her what had happened and seeing slap marks on my face,she reminded aunt Hubaida that someday,she was going to be a mother herself and should remember the treatment she's meting out on me.


Even though I was little,I knew what my aunt did was terrible and there and then,nursed a vengeful plan to maltreat her own children when they came. The next year,Aunt Hubaida got married and subsequently had a baby,Mom contributed in no small measure to her wedding since her husband was a broke secondary school drop out (more on that later).

Mom was beyond elated when she found out that her younger sister Hubaida had given birth to a baby girl on the same date as QT,I was genuinely happy for her,QT was in boarding school then,so Mom took permission for Hamz and I from school and together,we travelled to abuja for the naming ceremony,then we weren't living in abuja. Mom and Hubaida shrilled happily when they saw each other,sharing knowing glances of what it feels like to go through labour pains to have a baby,Mom collected the baby and cooed over her dotingly, aunt Hubaida hugged Hamz and I after which I asked to see the baby,Mom kept hammering it on me to handle the baby with care as she was new and fragile,lest I drop her,everyone laughed,I carried the new baby in my arms and while staring at her,tears came to my eyes,everyone awwwed and ohhhed,thinking I was overwhelmed by emotion at seeing my first maternal cousin but no,in my mind,I realised whilst staring at the baby that it wasn't this
little tot that I should nurse a vengeful vendetta against,afterall, she did not offend me,it was her mother who did. Right there,I resolved in my mind not to harm or maltreat the new baby or her siblings when they come and also tried to forgive my aunty,not because she deserved it but because of her new baby but I never forgot how she treated me,I never knew I had not seen the last of her ill treatments but first,let me take you a little down memory lane,why do Mom's sisters nurse this deep-seated jealousy and envy towards her,If you ask me,I think it started from shortly before Mom's marriage to my dad

*FLASHBACK...THE YEAR 19xx *

Mom had just announced her engagement to her then boyfriend who is to later be my Dad to her parents,she was fresh from her pre-degree diploma and as far as her community was concerned, was fresh and ripe for marriage. Mom has three siblings,Tania,who is now late,Hubaida and Nina,all girls,they were quite happy for her,afterall,she was the first daughter and as expected,the first to get married,they were more thrilled because she was getting married to the son of a prominent and wealthy family in their hometown who was ambitious and stood out amongst his peers thus putting them in the spotlight amongst their neighbors and immediate community and also lifting their social status,Mom's father was indeed proud.

Mom's wedding was a dream come true,a fairytale indeed,Mom glowed with happiness,she is unarguably the prettiest of her sisters and the only fair complexioned one whilst the rest are dark to chocolate complexioned,her figure is perfect till this day,her locks has all the qualities of a good hair,long,black,shiny and full,so it was no surprise that her sisters had more than a tinge of jealousy in their eyes when they saw Dad's illustrious friends and wealthy family come to bow to her family,seeking Mom's hand in marriage,it is how girls are wont to be,Mom even lost some of her friends on that day who could not help but feel green with envy.

It was no wonder thereafter when she started having turbulent times in her marriage,a lot of people had swore they would not last together,she at different times wanted to divorce Dad but she knew she had a lot of bad belles to disappoint, more so,she already had QT then and couldn't bear to leave her child behind, so she stayed in the marriage,she decided to go back to school despite pressure from Dad's family on her not to bother,since they were wealthy and had all she wanted,why bother going to school,thank God Mom resisted them and continued with her education,she later fell pregnant with me and you all knew what happened as read in      MADE OF BUTTER? I was born of pure love,hehe, my birth brought Mom and Dad together again as a couple deeply in love but her sisters protested her resolve to get pregnant again for my Dad,as far as they were concerned,all she needed to do was finish her education and get a divorce but Mom paid no heed to them,instead,she
got pregnant again with Hamz a few years later.

When Dad died,a lot of people and sadly her sisters too thought that was going to be the beginning of the end for her but with God on her side,she not only secured a job with a top insurance firm,she went on to finish her university education and served her youth corp at the central bank of nigeria where she was eventually retained and worked for a few years before moving on.

Aunt Tania is Mom's immediate younger sister,followed by Hubaida,when the latter saw all of Mom's achievements,she became rather desperate to get married,assuming all she got stemmed from her getting married early and to a prominent family and that was her first mistake,timing her life through her elder sister's watch and when she brought home her suitor,she brought home a secondary school drop out,Mom was quite disappointed and pulled her sister aside to advice her to proceed to tertiary education and finish that,then serve in the NYSC before thinking of marriage as she has been there and it was not easy but Hubaida thought Mom does not want good intentions for her,Mom shook her head sadly,telling her to then get a suitable and proper suitor,not a guy she was educationally and financially superior over

"You need a man to provide for you,to care for you,trust me,love is not enough to sustain a marriage,a man who is a secondary school drop out and cannot take care of himself,how can he take care of you and provide for his children? If you insist on marrying him,then wait for him to proceed to get more education and have a means of taking care of you"

Mom adviced but she insisted on being a MRS by force,so Mom and Aunt Tania financed the entire wedding. After the wedding,they moved in with Aunt Tania where they had most of their kids. Mom continued to rise through the echelons of career success whilst her sisters,sadly did not,she went back to school and got more degrees and certifications,all through the  grace of God, being astute and having great vistas for the future she wanted for herself and her kids,trust me,it was not easy waddling through,but with determination,prayers,hardwork and God's grace,atleast,we can say we are at a place where,though things aren't exactly as we want it but still thankful,her sisters however have not forgived Mom till this day for being more successful than they are 

*PRESENT DAY*

Despite us being grownups now and Aunt Tania passing on,aunts Hubaida and Nina have not changed at all,Mom's reasons for not interfering or complained about their maltreatments towards us as kids was because she does not want to always jump at our defence to help us create our own defence mechanism and as we were boys,didn't want us to get used to our mummy always coming to our rescue so when we go into the world,we won't feel like we need our mom to always defend us and I praise her wisdom for that.  At a bust up row recently between Nina and Mom,after she accused Mom of starving their mother just because she didn't send her feeding allowance on time,the false accusation which totally irked Mom,Nina also  accused Mom of being spiritually responsible for her not finding a husband on time and also responsible for Hubaida's failed marriage simply because she had a turbulent time in her own marriage at some time,despite her anger,Mom laughed at the
premise,asking Nina if she told her not to agree to marry the men when they sought her hand in marriage or appeared to the men to scare them away to which she had no response,she also had nothing to say regarding Hubaida,since according to Mom, all she wanted for her sisters were their wellbeing and good fortune,she stated again that she had warned Hubaida to finish her studies before getting married and If she insisted on getting married,she should go for someone who was more superior to her educationally,financially and in maturity but she did not heed her advice and despite all the storms she went through in her marriage,she had always supported her and her five children,so if things ended badly,how is she to blame? Nina bursted into tears and Mom simply walked off,despite all this,Nina and Hubaida has never stopped hating on Mom despite the fact that she supports them financially whenever she can and also morally,they disrespect her at will,insult
her and hate her even more because their mom and late dad love her more than them,do you blame the old woman? Hubaida's ex husband is a village champion plucked from obscurity to the city,he got a degree on his sisters-in-law's dime and after getting his degree,felt he no longer needed the wife and his five kids and at the time of their break up,he not only insulted my Mom and late Tania but also tried to hit Mom and Gran ma with a bench,the old woman has not forgiven the man till date and Hubaida did not help matters by being occasionaly rude to her mom,her kids disrespectful to the old woman,so she couldn't possibly be her favourite,Nina was a spoilt child which she took into adulthood making her mother disappointed and Tania is late,so Mom is the only child of hers whose husband never disrespected her despite having their own issues,pays her a listening ear always,has kids who dutifully respects her,so loving Mom was easy,including their late father.

The issue with sibling rivalry is that,it is everywhere,since cain and abel to joseph and his brothers in the holy books to the kardashians and to every home and more often than not,when not tackled on time,which is usually the case,it becomes a generational problem. Mom had whilst talking with me over how saddened she was about accepting the fact that her siblings don't show her the same amount of love she shows them,exonerating herself of any blame over why she should deserve their hatred and how she had always known they do not like her but couldn't accept it told me to be the bridge of love between my brothers,my brothers and I also do have our occasional sibling rivalry,we have fought over silly things and important things and what our siblings do hurts more because they know us more than any one,they know our history,our story and how to easily hurt you,so I could understand where Mom was coming from.

QT and I use to have a "brolove bromance" kind of relationship but after a while,we began to fight several times which sort of grew us apart,we seemed to bicker at the slightest provocation and I transferred all of my love to Hamz but on serious thought about how our relationship was fast deteriorating,I figured I had to take the high road and be civil by being the first one who makes the first move to mends things by showing him undiluted love and support and telling him I needed him,everyone loves it when you make them feel like you need them. Mom always sound it into our ears to love and accept one another and not end up like her sisters and herself have and it pains because it's becoming a generational problem, Dad and his brothers are late and their wives and children scattered everywhere except on family reunions where we try soo hard to forge some kind of relationship with our paternal cousins and Mom and her sisters have a love-hate relationship
which is somewhat croaching in on our relationship with their kids and Mom is again putting me in charge of things to bridge the gaps and get all of us to fully love and accept one another,I roll my eyes at this odious task as am someone who take humans in little doses.

Seabuckthorns are orange coloured berries which grows in the wilds in high altitude mountains,which to me symbolises siblings growing in a cold and wild home and when broken down in syllables,they become a personally blended word of SEA-Sister BUCK- Resist or oppose THORN-Stiff,sharp-pointed,straight or curvy projection on the stem or another part of a plant (family)

Do the maths,may the good lord,help and strengthen and unite all of our families,amen!

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