War of attrition

War must be!...Whether between countries , states, individuals or even families, this is part of life and while we defend our lives against a destroyer who would devour all which is instinctively essential but I do not love the bright sword for its sharpness, nor the arrow for its swiftness, nor the warrior for his glory. I love only that which they defend.

What better way to introduce this post than a poetic way which aptly sums up our perennial extended family drama.  More often than not, everyone knows the beginning of a war but not all knows the ending, am not exactly a fan of drama especially when it involves family but dramas are a part of life aren't they? And when it is within a family...it is called war...a war of attrition.


 It was a thursday evening...around a quarter to five pm, the intensity of the midday sun gradually lulling to sunset, creating a brilliant crimson in the sky, I was just closing from work, my face dull and oily from the day's stress, I unplugged my phone from the socket where I was charging it, dropping the charger into my sleek work bag and the phone into my pocket, totally ignoring the red indicator beep which says I have a few bbm messages. I  took a few sheets of tissue from a tissue box on my table to wipe my oily face with using my right hand and tucking my feet into my shoes with the other, afterwards, adjusting and straightening my thick and sleek monochrome shirt I jocularly call my balmain because of its quality, I stood up to leave the office, calling out my immediate boss Vivian who was in the ensuite ladies room in the office, telling her I had gone and she called back, bidding me farewell so I sauntered out of the office and then the building on my way home. Whilst waiting at the bus stop to catch a cab amidst the many workers from different organisations and firms in the area who were equally not on ride and waiting to hitch a cab, I felt my phone buzz in my pocket and I quickly fished my phone out, it was Mom, I went ahead and picked and she asked if I had closed from work, I said yes that I was just at the bus stop, she asked me to just hold on as she was driving through my office area and wanted to pick me up, I sighed with gratitude as that meant I get to keep my cab fare and with the delicious smell of roasted corn sifting towards me from a few meters away from my back where a woman fanned at the glowing red embers of charcoal roasting the corn for sale, I thought I could just buy the corn and eat, so I bought the entire amount of my cab fare because I knew Mom might want to eat too.

Soon enough, Mom's venza parked stylishly at the  service lane as some tired looking workers eager to get a ride rushed towards the car, thinking the owner of the car probably wanted to use the opportunity of seeing lots of waiting workers to make a few cash by carrying a few for a fee but Mom waved frantically at them, lip synching behind the glass that she wasn't carrying anyone, I walked towards the car as the dispersing crowd gave me a cold stare wondering if I didn't see the sign from the lady saying she wasn't picking anyone as I simply gave a smirk as Mom opened the passenger side door for me to enter, some of the workers hissed and guessed I might be a relative of the lady as they moved on to waiting for cabs to arrive. I slammed the car door close, greeted Mom as she acknowledged my greeting, instantly perceiving the roasted corn I came in bearing with which elicited a happy smile on her face and asked me for one as I used my seat belt, she picked a sheet of tissue to grab one (as she hasn't washed her hands yet, we are BIG on hygiene and washing hands) and I followed suit and both munched happily on our way home.

Not sooner had we arrived home when we saw a jeep honking at the gate and later drove into our compound when Garuba opened the gate, the owner corner side door came open and alighting from the car is  the new "Matriarch" of the family who is the daughter of the the late Matriarch, she had a look of scorn on her face as she took a quick glance around at the entire surrounding and compound of the house, Mom and I were standing by our car, looking on in surprise as we had not expected to see her, as you all know by now, the Adagiri extended family like to pay unscheduled visits. Mom sighed dejectedly but put on a face of bravery as she awaited another potential drama waiting to happen. The new Matriarch called out at Mom, asking if she wasn't going to approach her to greet her, Mom simply smiled, walked majestically towards her and said hello, the Matriarch looked Mom all over and then the house again and said the house had changed quite a bit since she last visited,

"The signs of having a lady in the house...we always add the oomph to our homes don't we?"

She exclaimed, Mom nodded in agreement, responding,

 " We didn't know you were coming, you are very well welcome, what brought you here?"

She asked, as I quickly prostrated to greet her, she acknowledged my greeting and just about that moment, QT, Hamz and Karl came out of the house and quickly prostrated to greet her as well as greeting Mom, while the new Matriarch commented on how grown up we all look and so much look like our Dad, I saw Mom want to roll her eyes but kept it classy. The new Matriarch then sighed as if just remembering Mom had actually said something earlier then asked if she wasn't permitted to visit her nephews whenever she wanted? It was a rhetorical question as she had a smirk on shortly after saying that then asked that we all go inside which we did. After we had all settled down and she declined taking anything, not even water (who knows, lest we poison her, lol) she announced her reason for coming,

 "My last son toyeeb is getting married next week and I know I should have told you a lot earlier but you know how these things can be...planning, getting funds, etc! So overwhelming, I never realised how rusty I'd become in planning weddings since the last time my other daughter had her wedding, so I'm quite sorry (Quite sorry?) about this, so I brought your "aso ebi" for you, I decided all the daughters-in-law married into the Adagiri family should have their own "aso-ebi" for uniformity whilst the general guests have another...you know...for class"

She said with a smile and handed Mom her package of aso-ebi, Mom thanked her and asked how much it costs to which she clucked her throat gutturally in scorn and said she couldn't possibly bill her own wife (in Nigeria, it's customary for a woman to call another woman who's married into her family her wife) to which Mom knelt down in appreciation and thanked her. She stood up to leave, saying she had put up with her future daughter-in-law to be parents because her own Abuja home was too dusty from not being inhabited for long, to which we all nodded and bid her farewell before she changes her mind to stay with us. As soon as the new Matriarch was gone, Mom kept smiling and when I prod to know why she was smiling ever so cheekily, she sighed and said she pities the young lady marrying into the home as she could also remember many years back when she was going to marry Dad and not knowing what lay ahead, she continued,

 "I couldn't ever be a monster-in-law to you boys' future wives...no, no, I couldn't, I couldn't turn out to be the same woman I detested".

Mom took the package and unwrapped it to check out the material the cloth for the aso-ebi was made of, it was a pretty good lace, creamy with a rather intricate brown floral design but suddenly, a smell hit her from the cloth, Mom brought the cloth a little closer to her nostrils and perceived the cloth and indeed the smell came from the cloth, a scent like arabian incense, she immediately dropped the cloth on the floor, asked for a nylon bag, which I brought, she bagged the cloth and threw it in the trash can,

 "I'm never going to wear that...why does that cloth have that incense smell on it? Oh! So I wear it and start having dementia or becoming their puppet, so I do all they ask me to without question? Ah! You guys have failed, not me!"

Mom said, picking her phone to dial her islamic clerics to interpret what the smell on cloth meant spiritually, Karl shook his head dismally, Mom instantly fired at him, telling him this is Africa and such stuff exists here,

"You're a kid, you have no idea what people are capable off, don't just shake your head at me, you've been here long enough to see the antics of your Dad's family!"

To which I agree, am totally siding with my Mom on this. The D-day soon arrived and Mom had before then scout through a lot of cloth markets to find the exact type of lace material to sew for the wedding but couldn't find...well, she's just going to give an excuse about her tailor letting her down by sewing the wrong design which didn't fit and had to be taken for amends, was what she was going to say and wear another cloth. So on the day of the wedding, QT and Hamz declined going for the wedding while Karl got dressed up in well starched native attire, likewise me while Mom got gorgeous in intricately designed lace gown with lovely makeup and well tied head-gear and we set out for the venue of the wedding. At the venue, we kept running into family members from Dad's family including some of his friends whom we all painstakingly greeted because with the hot weather and starched clothing, you don't want sweat maps all over your clothes, it gets wrinkled up and sweat maps are rather unsightly, so it was so much effort having to stop and greet so many people.

We went inside the hall and immediately the new Matriarch sighted Mom, her previously smiling countenance vanished as she stood up and rushed towards Mom, asking why she wasn't dressed in the aso-ebi, Mom took it well, smiled and almost kneeling, explained her tailor made a huge mistake with the design and she couldn't get it in time for the wedding, she lashed out at Mom, saying she could atleast have gotten a yard of the material and just use to cover her body, Mom's eyes squinted in suspicion then told her it didn't occur to her to do that, I decided to dampen the rising hot temper by greeting her but she waved me aside and vanished into the crowd, acknowledging greetings from well wishers.

From the moment on, her attitude towards Mom changed which reinforced her suspicion that the smell was intentionally sprayed on the material and had a meaning. Soon, it was time for menu and everyone were eating whilst a band played, Mom had just started digging into her food when the new Matriarch came out of nowhere, took some sand from the ground and poured it into her meal,we all screamed, including guests who were beside us, she went,

"So you can eat ehn? You can eat abi? You didn't bother to show up to help the women with the cooking nor wear the aso-ebi, but you can eat...no way!",

Mom was red with anger as people gathered around, telling the new Matriarch it was a bad time to do such as she just embarrassed herself and everyone and sent a bad impression to the family joining them in marriage, the new Matriarch said she couldn't care, whispers could be heard from amongst the crowd saying the new Matriarch is a maniac just like her late mother, the Matriarch and that the family just puts on a show of unity for the public, it was so embarrassing, I quickly took my bottled water and opened the cover so Mom can wash her hands, people were sympathising with Mom and all she did was just nod, I helped carry her bag and holding her hand led her away from there while Karl followed as people kept apologising to her but the new Matriarch told everyone Mom could leave if she wanted to. Mom looked back to throw her a side glance...a look full of anger and pregnant with meanings...a look of war....a war of attrition!

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